Session notes

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A Night of Learning, Sharing & Community

Session 1

January 27, 2023

OUR JOBS CAN MAKE US WEALTHY  

BUT OUR RELATIONSHIPS MAKE US SUCCESSFUL!

“choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems” Dan Wile: After the Fight He wrote that (p. 12).

Save a life and you will save the world.

Mishan Sanhedrin 4:5

IMPACT OF FAILED MARRIAGES

— Divorce rates in the U.S. within a 40-year period range between 50% and 67% (Martin & Bumpass, 1989).

— The data suggest that failure rates for second marriages are either about the same (Martin & Bumpass, 1989) or about 10% higher than for first marriages.

— These negative effects include increased risk of psychopathology;

increased rates of automobile accidents, including fatalities  (Bloom, Asher, & White, 1978).

— Increased incidence of physical illness, suicide, violence, and homicide (Bloom et al., 1978; Burman & Margolin, 1992; Verbrugge, 1979, 1986).

— Decreased longevity (Berkman & Breslow, 1983; Berkman & Syme, 1979; Friedman et al., 1995).

— Significant immunosuppression (e.g., Kiecolt-Glaser et al., 1987; Kiecolt-Glaser, Malarkey, Cacioppo, & Glaser, 1994);

— Increased mortality from diseases (Bloom et al., 1978; Burman & Margolin, 1992).

— This is not to say that spouses in ailing marriages should stay together for the sake of the children. Dr. John Gottman in his marriage laboratory has discovered that the same consequences are experienced by children when parents remain in hostile marriages (e.g., Gottman & Katz, 1989).

The active ingredient that hurts children in divorce appears to be continued marital hostility between the parents, particularly if the child is used as a pawn by parents to hurt one another (Buchanan, Maccoby, & Dornbusch, 1991; Hetherington & Clingempeel, 1992).

“All human desire is poised on an axis of paradox, absence, and presence its poles, love and hate its motive energies.”

—Eros the Bittersweet, Anne Carson’s

1. Ask questions.

Learn to ask questions. Asking is a skill and you can develop it with practice. And the practice of asking can yield great rewards.

2. Tell stories.

The second skill in deepening friendship is to tell stories.

3. Accentuate the Positive.

Happy Couples Accentuate the Positive. The key to keeping the magic alive in a marriage, experts say, is finding ways to promote the positive.

4. Build Rituals.

Faith, Fun &  Family.

“It’s not the things you don’t know that will hurt you; it’s the things you

know for sure that just ain’t so!”– Mark Twain

ONE OF THE BIGGEST MARRIAGE MYTHS: I CAN CHANGE HIM/HER

“Search others for their virtues, thyself for thy vices.” — Benjamin Franklin

“Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself.” —Marcus Aurelius

“Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for

the church—a love marked by giving, not getting.” Ephesians 5:25 (Msg)

“Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your

support for Christ.” Ephesians 5:22, 24 (Msg)

Marriage Snake Pits

1. Harsh Startups

Proverbs 15:1 (NLT)

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.”

2. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Criticism.

Matthew 7:1-2 (Msg)

"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults—unless, of course, you want the same treatment. [2] That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging.”

Contempt.

Ephes. 2:14 (Living)

“For Christ himself is our way of peace. He has made peace between us Jews and you Gentiles by making us all one family, breaking down the wall of contempt that used to separate us.”

Defensiveness.

Job 15:26 (MSG)

“Always and ever at odds with God, always on the defensive.”

Stonewalling.

Matthew 5:9 (NASB)

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.”

A Night of Learning, Sharing & Community

April 21, 2023

HEALTHY MARRIAGES IS THE ANTIDOTE FOR A FAILING CIVILIZATION

• Children of divorce are much more depressed than children from intact families.

• Three years after a divorce or separation, the children remain much more depressed than children from intact families.

• Children of divorce get in more trouble in school and do much worse in their studies.

• Children of divorce and separation have less physical and emotional energy.

• Children of divorce have lower self-esteem than other children.

• Children of divorce worry much more than children from intact families.

• Children of divorce or separation have more bodily com-plaints and symptoms of physical illness than other children.

Will I Get My Way or Our Way?

Staying married but miserable also can have devastating effects on the children of these marriages. The Princeton- Penn study showed that children whose parents did not divorce but fought constantly also showed many of the same problems as those listed above for the children of divorce.

1. A Christ-centered marriage is one of lasting love that is designed primarily for giving rather than taking.

2. Staying married is almost always preferable to divorce if at all possible.

3. Whether you choose Christ-centered marriage, learn to stop putting your effort into fighting and start putting it into loving and teaching your children how to love.

FIVE RULES OF FIGHTING FAIR

MASTERING MMA (MARITAL MARTIAL ARTS)

1. Avoiding the Hot Spots

2. Faith in Resolution

3. Chosen Conflict

4. Clear Conclusions

5. Cheek Turning

THREE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS

1. Is your marriage relatively free of BS-blaming and shaming?

2. Can both of you energize each other rather than leach energy from each other?

3. Are both of you always looking out for number two?